It's been such a long time.
I have been so horrible.
I haven't been striving to bring the best out of my life, not at all.
I have been living each day as time slipping out of my fingers, that's all.
Wasting away so much time.
Even posting here is like wasting my time. But i just had to. There's too much inside me and i really have to get it all out of me.
I am breaking apart. From my own doing.
From the emotional stress i am placing upon myself. and the ones you placed on me.
What happened to us, i really don't understand.
What i really know is, i know you enough to be aware that there are problems stopping us from communicating.
You are stressed up? oh come on, you are definitely more than this. Your capacity is greater.
Why am i lying to myself believing that you are stressed up and that's why you don't talk to me?
such a joke. there's definitely something going on.
and you just choose to ignore me, to not reply me, to not even tell me what is wrong.
i feel like screaming in your face, crying out loud, hitting you.
I don't know. but i do know i won't be able to do any of the above i have mentioned.
true love? i'm not sure. i don't think so. I just feel freaking disappointed and lost right now.
I can only keep telling myself that i've already threw away any form of dignity and tried to contact you so many times.
You just simply refuse to reply.
I am getting angry and frustrated and anxious.
seriously, what can be so wrong to the extend that you need to ignore me entirely?
sometimes i feel like screaming in your face and tell you to not be so childish.
it's like, if you're angry, must you be angry for such a long time? what's wrong? seriously?
can i just breakdown and cry and throw everything aside and don't do anything?
If i could i would really want to, but i can't. I have things i need to complete, to do.
and this is all slowing down my progress and i can't concentrate.
It's not your fault, it's mine. It's me, who misses you so much i can't even cry out loud.
I don't know how long i can take this. I don't even know if i can take this anymore.
When you have time to facebook, to online, to comment on everyone else's status etc, you don't even bother to reply my smses.
what am i supposed to do? call you? kneel down and beg or what?
i am seriously at my wits' end. I don't know what to do anymore. 
I don't see why you don't bother, you don't understand.
and i don't see why you don't even want to give me a chance to understand.
what exactly is wrong, seriously. 
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

that's how i feel right now.
sometimes i just find that 3ya is so so lonely.
he needs someone to hug him tight and let him know everything's alright.
that it's alright to cry out loud when he wants to.
*sayang sayangs*
though you will never see this.

Been a while since i last came over here.
Holidays have ended, it was a horrible one because i didn't really get a break before starting school.
And the job, well, it's kinda slack la, but then the sian fact remains that i have to give half of my pay to Jie.
Cox i owe her money. what to do.

nixgint has been a happier person, as compared to the previous two posts.
life is still just as tiring as ever, with OTC, ANCO, Corps, School, Fun, Fandom, Outings to deal with. LOL.
But i am loving life like that, whereby there is really time to have interesting and fun stuff.
Sorry to say so but then, i kinda felt that many more people are treating me better than my corps people.
But then again, well, corps people should be like family, the ones who whacks you the hardest, but then one who's the most touched for you, most worried for you, most concerned about you.
But OTC people are wonderful people. despite questioning my self-worth in the committee many many times,
OTC folks are, hmmm, maybe cox we are all more sensitive to things than others, so they are quick to notice when i am not alright.
haha. but it's fun. =)
Zone side, well, more of an as usual kinda thing. haha. but then i am looking forward to working with the kids. the 10 kids. haha~

and i am really grateful for the happy times from family. especially Jie and cousins.
somehow or rather, when i dun think so much, when i am not so sensitive, i feel so sayanged. =)

mehh, it's may, and sensitive nixgint is crawling out.
albeit kinda less than last time.
the idea of knowing a few OTC folks meeting Jie on vesak day, fully unaware of my birthday.
the idea of the usual "ting ting has better presents than me".
it's just as usual la, because of how near our birthdays are. or to be specific, same lunar birthday. haha!
and i guess, also because of the same people that we know, those who remember hers and doesn't know mine.
wells, it's normal, it's always like that since young. and most importantly, i knew them better through her.
So such things, nixgint grew up already. able to know why certain things happen the way it did.
and then again, presents etc, it doesn't really matter, does it?
what matters is how i spent that day, how i feel, whether i feel sayanged or not.
in this area, i think i made improvements. really.
the jealousy in me is no longer strong. which is a good thing.

though life isn't going easy on me, if i look on the brighter side, i am still a happy kid.
my piece of sky is one that is under the bright sunlight.
it is warm and beautifully blue, yet slightly shaded and dark, because of the light.
but it still lights up and brightens the day like no other.
i am emotionally satisfied with life now. really. =)

i'm kinda regretting working..
cox i have to give half my pay to Jie,
and have my time tied up,
and spent away all my allowance in such a short time(clothes, food etc).
Damn sad.
Now that i calculated,
if i work overtime till 8pm everyday,
at the end of the day, after paying for bills,
i only get around $150.
that's not counting the bus fares and OTC food money etcetc.
how how how?
and there's still $18 that the TICs haven't return to me yet.
I wonder when they will return to us..
zzz.
and work is becoming so boring and tedious that i keep dozing off.
Too tired alr.
I think i need like teh peng every single day sia...
Well, okay it's like 2.20am in the morning alr.
I should go sleep and wake up at 7am,
and remember to put safari to wash,
then travel to work.
For the $150 that i will get after paying bills,
I will work hard!
even though i am like freaking tired and really wants a break,
and i really want to watch all the dramas before i start school. =(
that's life, suck it up and live...