my life is like a hurricane now.
it's not even post-hurricane, it's in the midst of a hurricane.
Everything is just so messy, my room is messy, my bed is messy,
my things are messy, my mind is messy, my laptop is messy, my harddisk is messy,
my phone my itouch, my everything is just all damn messy.
I feel like pressing "clear all" and redo everything all over again.
nothing is in order in my life right now.
Sometimes i just want to cry.
even my emotions are so freaking messy.
I make so many mistakes on a regular basis,
i'm such a failure. Instructor? i don't deserve that term.
The more Jie sides me with things, telling me that it's not entirely my fault, telling me that it's hard to find someone like me etc,
it makes me feel better, i'm grateful, thanks jie!
but at the same time, it just makes it all the more painful and guilt-ful to me.
because i know it is a mistake,
because i know that others can make a million mistakes,
but i myself should never make them.
and more over, the mistakes i make is seriously unacceptable.
basic basic stuff like being serious in front of trainees etc.
I also screw up.
Ask me to print slides also can screw up.
What kind of a person am i sia.
How can i screw up so much so much that it really spoils everything,
and furthermore it creates unhappiness, frictions, qurrels between people.
and in all of this, i'm the only one safe from all of the hoo-ha.
and somemore have people consoling me and encouraging me.
i feel just so sucky, so guilty, and so not worth it.
I feel that i am just not worthy, i dun deserve to be an instructor at all.
because not doing anything is bad, yet doing many things that screws things up is worse.
I know, everyone actually is getting more and more pissed.
or rather much, maybe i'm just not worth getting upset over.
Because i am unworthy.
i suck.
This sucks.
really.